Grace
by restless-mess
Summary: Calleigh-centric. Now EC with some mentions of Jake. Part 2 of 2.
1. Turn my grief to grace

**A/N**- This has nothing to do with my current story Lean on Me. This was just inspired by Kate Havnevik's beautiful song Grace. This will be part one of two, and don't worry, part two is already finished and should be posted within the next few days. It's Calleigh-centric, post Jake break up back in the day.

Not beta'ed, sorry for any mistakes, thanks a bunch for reading :)

_--_

_I'm on my knees, only memories are left for me to hold_

He'd left for good this time. Not just on one of his undercover operations. He told you it was easier this way, he didn't want to hurt you.

Well too late.

You saw it coming, knew something was up. But he'd left in the middle of the night, took the little belongings he had and left you only with memories.

Oh, how you long for the scent of his worn black t-shirt you wore to bed.

_Don't know how, but I'll get by, slowly pull myself together._

It kills you to feel this incapable and lonely without him here.

But he was your first love, and feels like your last.

You aren't this girl, the girl that breaks down and loses it over a guy.

(He made you that girl), but right now you're to lost to resent him for it.

_There's no escape, so keep me safe, this feels so unreal_

You can seem to run from your feelings. He's everywhere you go, and with every little gift he'd bought you scattered around the rooms of your apartment and all the comfy corner cafés he whisked you away to, the feelings of each unbreakable embrace, each warm glance flood back.

The loss aches in your chest, swims in your stomach. It feels like everything around you is moving so fast, but you are suspended, moving slowly and left alone to grieve.

_Nothing comes easily, fill this empty space_

_Nothing is like it seems, turn my grief to grace_

When he left, he took a part of your love, a part of your trust. (You'd say he took a part of your heart and left a hole in it, but that's too corny for you).

It feels like the hurt will never go away.

If only there was some quick fix to this pain.

You want to break free.

_I feel the cold, loneliness unfold, like from another world._

It hits you hard, because for so long, he was your family. He showed you a new perspective on love. He made you forget what being lonely and hopeless felt like. You used to be friends with loneliness.

But now, with him gone, the sting of loneliness feels strange, not like it used to. Now that he's shown you what the other side feels like, you don't want to go back.

_Come what may, I won't fade away, but I know I might change_

You'll get through somehow. You are Calleigh Duquesne, the living definition of independence. You can't let yourself become nothing just because you feel like nothing without him.

And it kills you to feel that way, it makes you feel stupid.

You **will **get through this. You might not come out the same person, but you know the change in you will make you smarter in love; less likely to ever hurt this way again. And that comforts you slightly.

_Nothing comes easily_

You feel like getting over him should be something easy for you. You know you can overcome him. But each time you feel like you've begun, the banner of avoidance breaks and you are back at square one.

_Where do I begin? Nothing can bring me peace._

_I've lost everything._

He was like the beginning of your new and improved life away from Darnell. He helped you construct the safe place you live in, the career you studied for in the academy alongside him. He made you feel normal. He made you feel deserving of everything you built together.

Without him here, none of those things seem tangible.

--

It's been a while now; you've come to terms with your 'loss'. The waves of hurt only come every so often and they're shorter. You suppose that's a semi-normal thing, that you still feel like you need him once and a while.

You are back to your old independent self, working like crazy. Your apartment looks barren now; you'd stripped it of all reminders over the months, helping with your healing process (or whatever).

Life is back to the way it was before him. You got through it and came out better for it; at least that's how you see it.

You are **better** now.

_I just want to feel your embrace_

And yet when those nostalgic waves hit, you find yourself still loving him.

--

**A/N**- Who hates reviews? I sure don't!


	2. I love the way you live

A/N- Part 2 of 2. Inspired by another amazing song by Kate Havnevik called Unlike Me (if you plan on taking a listen to the song, I recommend listening to the acapella version as well as the regular one, it's absolutely amazing). Lyrics are in _italics_. I hope you like it;

_--_

_There are no guarantees in life, for the present, nor for the future._

If your parent's broken promises didn't teach you, Jake leaving sure did... No, your expectations were never high for anyone after that. Except for yourself.

Now, watching Eric you feel as you always do when you are around him. _I love the way you live so intensely, enjoy every minute of life, with space to swing your arms around; laughing loudly. _

No, you aren't jealous of the way he shows affection, at least not anymore. You used to wish you could be like him, acting carefree, letting go of insecurities to simply enjoy. He allows himself to let go without feeling self conscious and silly; he allows himself to love easily and freely.

You aren't envious as you once were, you just love to watch the way he loves. It makes you glow inside simply knowing that that kind of love could exist.

_Unlike me, do you think I'm strange?_

_Unlike me, I am not pretending._

Life's made you that way. You've come to terms with the fact that that isn't you, and it probably never will be. But you've accepted that, and so has he.

...He's told you he loves you more for it.

You'd been told by your past boyfriends that it was hard to love you and with each skeleton immersing from your proverbial closet most would run away, with each late night drunken call from your father, they would get fed up, with each development in your career, the most important thing to you, they would run away, intimidated.

_You move and change, yet you go nowhere._

He hasn't run yet, and you get the feeling he won't.

With all the hardships your friendship has overcome all these years, you find it strange to look back to when you weren't together.

You feel like a child thinking of all the suppressed feelings you two had for so long.

_Everything stays the same. _

He's been the one constant in your life. As everything changes he stays constant. Even when you weren't involved, he'd been there, changed with you, changed for you.

And you needed that, for once in your life.

He constantly glances at you from across the lab, once, twice, three times now. His face is soft and filled with affection. His plump lips curl into a smile saved for you. (Like you don't know he's looking)

_You stare at me and ask me questions..._

'You okay?'

A question you'd never liked too much.

_..makes me nervous_

It meant that somehow your front had faltered. You'd let something show, someone had noticed. And that made you uneasy. It made you uneasy to think, for a moment you lost control without even realizing it.

_The room it keeps a constant tone, while I'm on a rollercoaster_

How could everything around you be so perfectly neat, while inside you felt like a stirring hurricane.

But the fact that he had noticed made you feel wanted, and as he asked that question more and more, it made you want to tell him everything. His pleading eyes and loving expression made it feel easy.

_There is no time_

And now, neither one of you has to steal secret looks from across the room, or tiptoe around lines and boundaries, you can shamefully, honestly look into his eyes without feeling like you are looking too long.

And looking into his eyes makes you feel calm and grounded, like everything around you is stopped short and floating aimlessly.

With him,

_Time doesn't really exist ..._

Fin.

--

A/N- Reviews? Thanks for reading.


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